A long time ago (last week) in a galaxy far, far away (Universal City, CA)…
It is a dark time for the Rebellion (I can’t get back to goal weight). Although the Death Star has been destroyed (my gut), Imperial troops (any and all mirrors) have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy (I am exercising anywhere I can but there is nowhere I will not eat).
Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker (me, duh) has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth (L.A. Fitness).
The evil lord Darth Vader (cheese, in any form), obsessed with finding young Skywalker (I’m still young, shut up), has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space….
You don’t wanna f— with me when I’m on a diet.
Which brings me to last week when I when I was hiding out in Hoth feeling less like Boba Fett and more like Jabba the Hut. All I wanted to do was use an exercise ball to perform an ab exercise that Taylor Lautner’s trainer said I HAVE to do if I even want to begin to think about having abs. The ball was nowhere to be found on the gym floor (of course) so I had to go down to the juice bar level (anyone who sits at a cafe table at the gym’s juice bar should be investigated for domestic terrorist ties). There it was hiding out behind the front desk. I approached the desk and pointed at the ball. I know that this is rude but I didn’t speak because my iPod was blaring in my ears and I was afraid that I would be really loud and that everyone would think that was I was deaf in addition to being overweight and one disability inspires empathy but two is just depressing.
The combined IQ of the total gym staff at LA Fitness is 2 and we had a real problem because there were only 3 of them there. I tried a Jedi mind trick but the ball didn’t fly into my hands and the Stormtroopers behind the desk didn’t turn and shoot each other. Sensing their confusion and that they didn’t have the Force in them, I had to take my earphones off and ask for the ball. This annoyed me greatly since the only other thing I could have been pointing at was the carpet or a dust bunny and I hardly look like the kind of guy that installs floors or studies microscopic dust particles in a lab.
What happened next turned me into a self-centered whiny bitch the likes of which you haven’t seen since Mark Hamill decided to play Luke Skywalker like a thirteen year old girl.
“Can I please have that ball?”
The droll eastern european one whose foundation was the color of my bathroom walls and whose lipstick was the color of something I usually drop off in the bathroom, answered.
“I need your keys.”
“Your keys for the ball.”
“It means ‘why’ in Spanish.”
She looked like a female Palpatine but her lack of basic Spanish was going to prohibit her from ever becoming a senator much less an emperor.
“For a deposit.”
“What am I going to do, walk out the front door with it?”
“You’d be surprised.”
“You’re right. I would, considering it’s the width of a tree trunk.”
“Well, if I tried to steal it I would assume one of the three of you facing the door would see that happen.”
“Sir, just give me your keys.”
“I’m not carrying my keys, they’re in a locker.”
“How about your iPod?”
“How about you get a clue? I’m not trading you something that costs $300 for something that costs you $15.”
“They cost more than that.”
“I’m sure you get them at wholesale.”
“Ok, do you have anything else you can give me?”
“How about I take off my sweaty sock and give you that!”
She looked at me the way Yoda looked at Luke when he ran out of patience. I realized I was making a scene. So I walked away.
And then I stopped, turned around and shouted; “THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!”
I left the gym and hopped in my X-Wing Starfighter (the Honda Del Sol) and headed back to Yavin-4 (West Toluca Lake).
This is where the story ends for now. However, like Star Wars, there will be a sequel. As Yoda would say, “Sure enough, of that I am”
This is exactly the way I react every time I get on a scale.