One of my favorite pastimes is shoving cake down my throat. One of my other favorite pastimes is listening to the latest Taylor Swift album, Red. It’s all sorts of amazing, like a carrot cake with a cream cheese frosting washed down by a cookies and cream milkshake. Remarkably, my two pastimes go hand in hand. The more I listen, the more I learn and two things become abundantly clear: 1) Taylor Swift is confused by quite a lot and 2) she obviously doesn’t have any fat friends to give her advice. Move over Selena Gomez, you’ve been replaced by The Fat Kid.
Song: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
Lyric: He called me up and was like ‘I still love you’ and I was like, ugh…this is exhausting. Like we are never getting back together. Like ever.
Girl, please. In Oops…I Did it Again some guy went down to the bottom of the ocean and got Britney the piece of jewelery FROM THE TITANIC -and she still turned that dufus down. You’re not that tough.
You dated a Jonas? That’s gross. And I had sex with K-Fed.
Song: All Too Well
Lyric: But you keep my old scarf from that very first week, because it reminds you of innocence, and it smells like me.
Um, he kept the scarf because it’s Hermes and you seem to be the only one that doesn’t know he’s gay.
Song: Stay, Stay, Stay
Lyric: “Stay, Stay, Stay.”
Tay, Tay, Tay. Girl, you love repetition. I mean, how many times did you tell him you’re not getting back together? He gets it. He knows. He’s the one who left. Because you asked him in this other song you wrote about him to stay. Three times. That freaks guys out.
Lyric: Before you I’d only dated self-indulgent takers who took their problems out on me.
T Swift, let me tell you something my friends tell me: the common denominator here is you.
Song: The Moment I Knew
Lyric: Standing there in my party dress, in red lipstick, with no one to impress.
Since you used the words “party dress” I’m assuming you’re at a five year-old’s birthday party and I’m sure the little girls there love you. Stop worrying about the boys. They’re in kindergarten as well and they’re probably still playing with tractors.
Lyric: What you do say when tears are streaming down your face in front of everyone you know?
You say, “Don’t stand there and watch me cry, go to the bar and get us some fucking shots.”
Lyric: And whaddya do when the one that means the most to you, is the one that didn’t show?
Well, let’s see. There’s lots of options, but the most effective one is sleeping with his best friend. That tends to get his attention every time.
Song: Begin Again
Lyric: He always said he didn’t get this song, but I do, I do.
Mmm. He got it. He just didn’t feel like talking to you about it because you’re unique fascination with being a James Taylor fan is cute to you and to you alone.
Lyric: The night we snuck into a yacht club party pretending to be a duchess and prince.
Okay, if he actually went along with that then I’m going to guess he had a hard time finding your G-Spot. If this is just something you made up, well, it’s a cute fantasy, but it’s one that is best reserved for the ears of those who aren’t yet old enough to have body hair.
This is how you do RED.