Category Archives: Uncategorized

Thoughts From Shavasana: Maybe I’ll vote Trump Edition

When I see a Trump voter on television, I usually think one of several things: nice Crocs  you look like high fructose corn syrup in human form thank god I was raised by people with functioning brains In short, I … Continue reading

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Puerto Rican Patrick Bateman and the Art of Gym Dodging

When I go to the gym I have to do a lot of “dodging.” I have to dodge Pasty Gym Stalker lest he slip a roofie in my BPA-free water bottle and I find myself in his basement, tied up … Continue reading

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Thoughts From the Gym: Nobody Wants to See Your Ball Sack Edition

“Hey John has anyone talked to you about renewing your membership?” Pretend you can’t hear her fuck, I’m not wearing headphones. “I’ll do it online, muchas gracias” I have to stop speaking to people in spanglish Oh look, it’s Invisalign … Continue reading

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Thoughts From the Gym, Anakin Skywalker Edition

I can’t believe I ate McDonald’s last night i mean i believe it but god im gross what am i going to listen to? Britney duh oh hey Pasty Gym Stalker i feel bloated, can you stalk someone else today? … Continue reading

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Thoughts From the Gym, Am I Racist (?) Edition

Every black person at this gym knows each other. Does that make me racist? I’m not racist I have to ask black kevin that’s racist maybe if i start calling the other kevin i know, white kevin, its okay … … Continue reading

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Thoughts From the Gym, Hunger Games Edition

Is that Peeta Mellark? That’s Peeta Mellark. He’s the size of my leg. I could totally beat him at The Hunger Games. Wait, how long could I go without eating? Maybe he would beat me. My strategy would have to … Continue reading

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The January Gym Newbies

January is that four week period of the year where every fat kid and their mother decide to hit the gym. Case in point: Last week there was a line for the valet at my gym seven cars deep, and … Continue reading

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Douche of the Week: Guy in the Barefoot Shoes

Dear Guy in the Barefoot Shoes, Thank you. I was afraid my douche thermometer was broken, as it hadn’t reached fever pitch in quite some time. You rectified that. In fact you raised the temperature to its highest level yet. … Continue reading

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Taylor Swift: Girl, You Need a Fat Friend

One of my favorite pastimes is shoving cake down my throat. One of my other favorite pastimes is listening to the latest Taylor Swift album, Red. It’s all sorts of amazing, like a carrot cake with a cream cheese frosting … Continue reading

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28 New Year’s Resolutions

I know this is late but I thought it prudent to wait until after the holidays to assess how many pounds my friends gained during the holiday season because I wanted to see if I could include them in any … Continue reading

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