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Author Archives: thefatkidinme
Thoughts From Shavasana: Maybe I’ll vote Trump Edition
When I see a Trump voter on television, I usually think one of several things: nice Crocs you look like high fructose corn syrup in human form thank god I was raised by people with functioning brains In short, I … Continue reading
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Puerto Rican Patrick Bateman and the Art of Gym Dodging
When I go to the gym I have to do a lot of “dodging.” I have to dodge Pasty Gym Stalker lest he slip a roofie in my BPA-free water bottle and I find myself in his basement, tied up … Continue reading
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“Hey John has anyone talked to you about renewing your membership?” Pretend you can’t hear her fuck, I’m not wearing headphones. “I’ll do it online, muchas gracias” I have to stop speaking to people in spanglish Oh look, it’s Invisalign … Continue reading
Thoughts From the Gym, Anakin Skywalker Edition
I can’t believe I ate McDonald’s last night i mean i believe it but god im gross what am i going to listen to? Britney duh oh hey Pasty Gym Stalker i feel bloated, can you stalk someone else today? … Continue reading
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Thoughts From the Gym, Am I Racist (?) Edition
Every black person at this gym knows each other. Does that make me racist? I’m not racist I have to ask black kevin that’s racist maybe if i start calling the other kevin i know, white kevin, its okay … … Continue reading
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Thoughts From the Gym, Hunger Games Edition
Is that Peeta Mellark? That’s Peeta Mellark. He’s the size of my leg. I could totally beat him at The Hunger Games. Wait, how long could I go without eating? Maybe he would beat me. My strategy would have to … Continue reading
The January Gym Newbies
January is that four week period of the year where every fat kid and their mother decide to hit the gym. Case in point: Last week there was a line for the valet at my gym seven cars deep, and … Continue reading
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Tagged Fat Kid, fat kids, Gym, Gym Resolutions, Gym Valet, January, L.A. Fitness, The Enabler, Valet, Yoga Chick
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Taylor Swift: Girl, You Need a Fat Friend
One of my favorite pastimes is shoving cake down my throat. One of my other favorite pastimes is listening to the latest Taylor Swift album, Red. It’s all sorts of amazing, like a carrot cake with a cream cheese frosting … Continue reading
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Tagged All Too Well, Britney, Britney and kevin, Britney Spears, Fat, fat kids, I Knew You Were Trouble When You walked in, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift, joe jonas, John Mayer, Jonas, jonas brothers, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Oops...I did it again, Red, Selena Gomez, skinny, Stay Stay Stay, Talyor Swift and John Mayer, Taylor and Selena, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift Red, Taylor Swift skinny, The Moment I Knew, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
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28 New Year’s Resolutions
I know this is late but I thought it prudent to wait until after the holidays to assess how many pounds my friends gained during the holiday season because I wanted to see if I could include them in any … Continue reading
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Tagged carrot cake, deep fried, deep fried twinkies, Imagine Dragons, Instagram, Jack in the Box, Taylor Swift, Twinkies
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