- “Hey John has anyone talked to you about renewing your membership?”
- Pretend you can’t hear her
- fuck, I’m not wearing headphones.
- “I’ll do it online, muchas gracias”
- I have to stop speaking to people in spanglish
- Oh look, it’s Invisalign with a Side of Low Impact Cardio
- I know he told Fuck Yeah These Shorts are From the 90’s he booked a recurring gig on a TV show-why is he always here?
- He has great skin
- …
- I bet he looks fat on TV
- “What?”
- this. fucking. hat.
- “Yeah, I went to Rutgers.”
- jesus christ
- “I don’t know, I didn’t play basketball”
- Please for the love of god leave me alone I’m trying to burn off two French Bread Pizzas
- *Enter: Yoga Chick
- Uggh
- where is the volume on this iPod?
- *Enter: Nobody Wants To See Your Ball Sack
- “Don’t apologize, how could you have known I had set up a Crossfit circuit right here?”
- she did not just say that
- oh my god
- die Yoga Chick
- “I do it all. I’m a trainer, a masseuse and a PT.”
- “What?”
- …
- here we go
- “A PT. A physical therapist.”
- “Wow.”
- don’t fucking ‘wow’ her dude
- I’ve seen her try to parallel park her Fiat outside of Trader Joes and if that’s any indication she sucks at all three of those jobs
- Plus I feel like she eats her own hair
- Plus YOUR SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT
- AND Nobody Wants to See Your Ball Sack
- Jon Hamm.
- Why didn’t anyone text me during Mad Men last night and say something about my hair?
- I wanna write a musical based on the Taylor Swift album RED
- But first-
- I need to clean the Chex Mix out of my overnight bag
- Hot Tub Friday Night!
- *checks abs in mirror*
- *avoids making eye contact with No Underwear Asian Guy*
- *accidentally makes eye contact with Weird Slightly Brian Damaged Probably a Male Escort Guy*
- donttalktomedonttalktomedonttalktome
- oh, I Drive a Big Truck, But I Swear I Have a Big Dick will be there Friday
- he’s put on a few, so i’ll look thinner than I am
- I’m so mean
- wait- I said that to his face the other night
- I can’t believe I have any friends
- I should probably do another set of swiss ball pikes in case he bails
