January is that four week period of the year where every fat kid and their mother decide to hit the gym. Case in point: Last week there was a line for the valet at my gym seven cars deep, and I can tell you that people only use it as a last resort. The attendants are gross. They all smell like B.O., Drakkar Noir and Marlboro Lights. When you get back in your car after your workout it’s as if you’ve been transported to the hottest underground club in Estonia.
Recently, as we warmed up side by side on the treadmill, The Enabler expressed her outrage at how crowded the gym had become. And this is coming from a girl who has to shoot down her hot drunk boyfriend when he’s looking for sex because he reeks of nachos. The gym is her only respite from a cruel, cruel world. Everyone, it seems, has been taking note. Yoga Chick, while unable to express any real emotion, has been relishing the influx of possible new fake gym friends. Her technique at acquiring them is, as usual, suspect. The other day I watched as she paused her treadmill so she could perform a sun salutation on it. I fear her approach may have backfired because I saw at least three overweight women throw some serious shade in her direction.
I’m not bending over to show the second row of cardio equipment at L.A. Fitness my (awesome) ass, but I am also very excited. If I can manage to find a parking spot in the garage without getting out of my car and threatening a teenager in their parent’s Benz, then it’s all good. January Gym Newbies provide that excellent service of making the gym regulars look thinner. And you never have to worry about them surpassing you in terms of hotness because they’ll be gone by February when they realize they still don’t have a chance of getting laid on Valentine’s Day. While they’re here though, I have some advice they could use. Please feel free to share.
- Weird Blond Guy: Please stop wearing your wife’s yoga pants. You have the unique distinction of not only wearing floods, but also of presenting your package in such a way that I’ve actually had to reassure my own two guys and their captain that I would never put them on display like that.
- Jersey Shore Background Player: I understand that the Shore has been cancelled and so you’ve made your way west for pilot season. But could you please put a towel down on the bench? When you sweat, your six pounds of hair gel leaves behind a film. And now I have to seek out the pharmacist at CVS for a consult on how to best deal with this rash.
- Lady Whose Doctor Has Told Her She Must Lower Her Blood Pressure: The doctor’s nurse did you a disservice but not telling you that you must also remove the cat hair from your clothes before you leave the sad cave you live in.
- Fat Dad with the Fat Ten Year Old Son: Hey buddy, your genetics are probably the reason your son is that size in the first place so why don’t you do him a favor and go work out in a different part of the gym? Left on his own he probably has a chance to score with Yoga Chick, and you’re f’ing with his game.
- Everyone Else: Stay away from my Gym Crush or you could find yourself on the receiving end of a dropped dumbbell.