28 New Year’s Resolutions


What if I got hit by a bus tomorrow and died having never tried this?

I know this is late but I thought it prudent to wait until after the holidays to assess how many pounds my friends gained during the holiday season because I wanted to see if I could include them in any of my jokes without risking being blamed for an eating disorder. No one actually gained any weight (eye roll) so I’m safe but now I have to:

  1. Find fatter friends.
  2. Take tons of pictures with them, post to Instagram.
  3. Get at least 100 comments on Instagram saying how skinny/hot/sexy I look.
  4. Drop fat friends.
  5. Get really drunk with old, skinny friends.
  6. Avoid getting so drunk that I wind up at Jack in the Box.
  7. Avoid getting so drunk that I allow a stranger named Jack to put anything in my Box.
  8. Find a human being I like half as much as I like Taylor Swift’s album.
  9. Find a human being I like half as much as I like carrot cake.
  10. Find a human being that can take to me to a fair where they serve deep-fried Twinkies.
  11. Speaking of fairs, avoid getting into a conversation with anyone going to a “Ren Fair.”
  12. Buy new music so that I actually have something to say when you reference Imagine Dragons whilst I’m sipping wine, trying to get into your pants.
  13. Stop using words like “whilst” so I can increase my chances of getting into your pants.
  14. Find a way to work the words “ratchet” and “cooze” into conversation in a natural way so as to appear more youthful and make it believable when I tell you I’m 25.
  15. Start a new job that doesn’t require me to plot an evacuation route in the event that I stab someone.
  16. Help Your Facebook Status Sounds Like a Suicide Note steer clear of any pet adoptions.
  17. Force neighbor who wears socks with sandals to make eye contact with me.
  18. Force neighbor who wears socks with sandals to abandon the socks.
  19. Wait, he probably has gross feet, so I’m going to amend that to force neighbor who wears socks with sandals to switch to sneakers.
  20. Figure out once and for all why fat-free cheese doesn’t melt the same as regular cheese.
  21. Write email to current friends reminding them that if they get into better shape than me, I’m dropping them.
  22. Make Naturally Thin “accidentally” gain 10 lbs to even out the playing field.
  23. Force my gym nemesis to find a new gym by starting a small fire in the parking lot and planting the lighter on him.
  24. Talk to Gym Crush.
  25. Have sex with Gym Crush.
  26. Find new gym crush in the event that sex with Gym Crush turns into a relationship with Gym Crush thereby cursing me with relationship pounds.
  27. Try to buy a block of cheese and not eat the entire thing in one sitting.
  28. Never, ever, ever do this again:

2012 really went out with a bang.

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