The Gym Threesome

Every gym has one: The Gym Threesome.You know these guys. They’re teenagers. They travel in a pack. One is the leader, one is fat and the other one is almost always Asian. Young guys who are still too insecure to work out alone. Sure, they get points for their contribution to reducing carbon emissions by carpooling, but everything else about this group is a DUD.

Chad

Chad

For our purposes, let’s name them. The leader? He’s Chad. Chad is the only one in the group who has a chance at getting laid. This is most likely the reason the threesome has congregated at the gym today instead of the skate park. Chad has caught the eye of a young lady who hasn’t yet figured out that how good a guy is in bed is directly proportional to how much of an asshole he is. (It’s true, ask anyone. I’m a huge asshole.) Not yet having learned that the way to interest a girl is to treat her like shit, Chad decides he’s going to fit in a couple of gym seshes in an effort to tone his abs before he attempts to deflower his young lover over a light dinner menu of Domino’s Pizza and Boone’s Farm. I’m not mad at Chad. At least he has a purpose. I do envy him though because the fact of the matter is his abs will look better after ten crunches than mine will in ten weeks simply because Chad is seventeen and I’m

Gus

Gus

Then there’s the fat one. Let’s call him Gus. It’s obvious by his size that Gus is only in this as long as Chad is. He’s secretly praying that Chad turns this Friday night Strawberry Fields soaked escapade into a serious two month relationship and thus returning Gus’ afternoons back to their normal routine: masturbating, snacking and playing Call of Duty. I always feel bad for the Gus in a group because he has no female counterpart. You know the skinny high school bitches are NOT taking a fat girl with them to the gym.  Whenever I see a Gus I secretly pray for a heavy-set sister in solidarity somewhere in the gym who can fall in love with a guy whose cheeks turn bright red after two reps of bench.

Filipino2

Filipino

Then there’s the Asian. I realize that’s a broad term, so let’s get specific and name him Filipino. Filipino is always amped, he’s always wearing shorts two sizes too big and he’s always the one getting in my goddamn way. Nothing will make me throw shade at the gym faster than someone stepping on my foot. (Except you Gym Crush, I wish you weren’t so athletically inclined and limber and perfect because you could have stepped on my foot like ten times by now and we could have taken our relationship to the next level, you know, the one where we actually speak and you say “I’m sorry for stepping on your foot,” and then you smile and I’m all “it’s totally fine, no worries,” and you’re all “you wanna make out after this?” and I’m all, “let’s just leave and do it now.”)   I don’t know why Filipino is so excited that he can’t help but bounce into my personal space but my theory is that he’s a bottom feeder and he’s hoping Chad’s piece has a slightly more desperate friend that he can snag.

Regardless, every time he steps on my foot Chad always has to be the one to tell Filipino to watch out and then gives me a look that says “sorry man” like we’re bros. What Chad doesn’t know is that I may look like him on the outside, but on the inside I’m Gus, and the reason I gave Filipino such a dirty look is because I too cannot wait to get the F outta here, go home, get my snack on, and masturbate.

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2 Responses to The Gym Threesome

  1. Pingback: Douche of the Week: Guy in the Barefoot Shoes | The Fat Kid in Me

  2. Doug Wheeler says:

    once again I EL OH EL’d many times and this is scarily accurate, there is a group identical to this at my gym.

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