New Year, New You! (Girl, Please.)

Even Twitter knows who I am and how I do.

We found love in a hopeless place.

It’s the most depressing time of the year: the post holiday week. Worse than the Tuesday that follows Memorial Day when you realize you were the fattest person at your friend’s pool party. Or July 5th when that realization was reinforced. Or the Tuesday after Labor Day when you have to come to grips with the fact that “Trish” the teenager that works the desk at Sun Tans-a -Go isn’t there anymore because school is back in session and now you’ve tanned yourself six shades darker than you need to be because tanned fat looks better than pale fat.

It’s a !!! New Year !!! so it’s time to wipe the slate clean and start over, right? Wrong, fat kid, wrong. The reason you’re so fat is because you don’t love yourself and everyone knows that if you don’t love you, then nobody else is gonna have sex with you love you either.

So, let’s celebrate what’s RIGHT about you.

  1. You might be a fat kid- but you know what? No one at the pool party is making fun of you. They’re too busy talking shit on the skinny host because everyone knows you can’t be that skinny without an eating disorder. And fuck her for having a pool.
  2. So you spent Friday night polishing off another carton eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and singing along to Taylor Swift? At least you’re not Taylor Swift. She’s had sex with John Mayer and that Fraggle Rock looking dude from One Direction, which in theory should make her seem slutty- but she’s still so boring no one can even be bothered to say it.
  3. Assuming that when you get in shape you’ll start dating more? I thought the same thing until I went out on a date that was so awful I had to stab myself in the leg under the table with a fork in an effort to divert my attention from the pain being perpetrated at my ears. You can be as skinny as you want and it won’t change the fact that everyone else is pretty much an asshole so go ahead, YOLO,  eat the fucking cake.
  4. You can’t fit into your clothes anymore? Good for you! You get to buy some new shit and keep the poor little Cambodian child that stitches together your garments for a penny a day in business. You’re not just fat, you’re also a philanthropist.
  5. You might not be the skinniest one in your group of friends but chances are you have the best snacks in your house out of anybody- and nine times out of ten that’s the deal maker that guarantees I’m coming over to hang out.
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