- A drone. Like the CIA uses- so that every time I think about getting in my car and going to Jack in the Box- I can blow it up.
- Fatter Friends. (Duh.)
- A baby. Single dads are hot and I need an accessory that justifies the bags under my eyes.
- A bib to collect the drool and tears that fall from my face every time someone walks by me with bread.
- My gym crush. Any time, any place, any position.
- Kelly Clarkson to break off her engagement. I need some new angry workout songs to get me past this plateau.
- An unseen bump in the floor in front of my gym nemesis. Because if I push him I’m “violent” and it’s considered “assault.”
- A mirror. So I can practice my “yeah I would…but your face” look. Apparently, it’s obvious.
- A mute button on my crazy Crossifit-Vegan friend. I usually just bang my head into a wall when he’s talking to me but I never seem to pass out.
- A text disabling breathalyzer on my iPhone. Because when I’m drinking I have no filter. Except for the one I put on that naked pic I just texted to you.
- An appointment with a Telepathist. My gym crush doesn’t seem to hear me when I say “meet me at the Bosu ball at 11:30” so I need to address that ASAP.
- An update to Google Maps that automatically sends my phone into lockdown while simultaneously updating my Facebook status, shaming me very time I search for a Taco Bell.
- Increased sensation in my face so I never embarrass myself at a holiday party again. Like this weekend when someone told me there were crumbs stuck to my chin and then introduced himself as the host.
- A Fly Swatter so that the next time that zany McDonald’s drive-thru attendant tries to be funny by teasing me with the straw for my milkshake I can reach out and smack him.
- Underwear from the Mario Lopez collection “Rated M” because I won’t believe it’s true love until you pull off my pants, see I’m wearing those and still decide to hit it.
- Deodorant. I’m not picky about the brand I just need something that’s great at covering up the smell of tequila, tear soaked string cheese and regret.
- Someone to erase my memory of this:
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