Fat Kid Xmas List

  1. A drone. Like the CIA uses- so that every time I think about getting in my car and going to Jack in the Box- I can blow it up.
  2. Fatter Friends. (Duh.)
  3. A baby. Single dads are hot and I need an accessory that justifies the bags under my eyes.
  4. A bib to collect the drool and tears that fall from my face every time someone walks by me with bread.
  5. My gym crush. Any time, any place, any position.

  6. brunchburger
  7. Kelly Clarkson to break off her engagement. I need some new angry workout songs to get me past this plateau.
  8. An unseen bump in the floor in front of my gym nemesis. Because if I push him I’m “violent” and it’s considered “assault.”
  9. A mirror. So I can practice my “yeah I would…but your face” look. Apparently, it’s obvious.
  10. A mute button on my crazy Crossifit-Vegan friend. I usually just bang my head into a wall when he’s talking to me but I never seem to pass out.
  11. abs
  12. A text disabling breathalyzer on my iPhone. Because when I’m drinking I have no filter. Except for the one I put on that naked pic I just texted to you.
  13. An appointment with a Telepathist. My gym crush doesn’t seem to hear me when I say “meet me at the Bosu ball at 11:30” so I need to address that ASAP.
  14. An update to Google Maps that automatically sends my phone into lockdown while simultaneously updating my Facebook status, shaming me very time I search for a Taco Bell.
  15. Increased sensation in my face so I never embarrass myself at a holiday party again. Like this weekend when someone told me there were crumbs stuck to my chin and then introduced himself as the host.
  16. A Fly Swatter so that the next time that zany McDonald’s drive-thru attendant tries to be funny by teasing me with the straw for my milkshake I can reach out and smack him.
  17. Underwear from the Mario Lopez collection “Rated M” because I won’t believe it’s true love until you pull off my pants, see I’m wearing those and still decide to hit it.
  18. Deodorant. I’m not picky about the brand I just need something that’s great at covering up the smell of tequila, tear soaked string cheese and regret.
  19. Someone to erase my memory of this:


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