The Birth of Jesus Isn’t Gonna Ruin These Abs: Part Three (Xmas Music Edition)

It's very easy to win this game if you skip solid food and just drink. Trust me. All I do is win.

It’s very easy to win this game if you skip solid food and just drink. Trust me. All I do is win.

If you make the following associations to these Christmas tunes, I guarantee you’ll never gain weight during the holidays again.

  1. Remember: The reason you Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night is not because your mother is a chubby chaser. It’s because your dad is such a slovenly mess that someone who looks like Santa is starting to look good to her. Is that how you want your wife to do you?
  2. All I Want for Christmas is You to lose 10lbs so that every time you touch me I don’t have to pretend I’m sexually aroused.
  3. It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas was nothing but an excuse to eat your feelings now that another year has gone by without a promotion, engagement or a decent lay.
  4. I’ll Be Home for Christmas so make sure you throw out all the bread, pasta and ice cream and replace it with vegetables, quinoa and almond milk, MOM.
  5. It’s The Little Drummer Boy, so unless you drop 15lbs we’re gonna have to change it to The Fat Kid Behind the Upright Bass.
  6. Do You Hear What I Hear? Your breathing is heavy and your heart rate is accelerated. Because you’re fat.
  7. Last Christmas I gave you my heart and this Christmas your expanding waistline says “I don’t give a fuck.”
  8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town but you stole his thunder by being the fattest person here.
  9. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year but thanks for ruining it by stinking up the bathroom because you ate every goddamn thing at the buffet.
  10. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen because as soon as you fall asleep your wife is out the door, at the neighborhood bar, desperately trying to bang the geeky guy from high school who never won a spot on the football team, but also didn’t gain thirty pounds after college.
Wait, who IS the biggest slut?

Wait, who IS the biggest slut?

 

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