The Birth of Jesus Isn’t Gonna Ruin These Abs: Part One

There’s a lot of advice out there on how to avoid packing on the holiday pounds but most of it encourages you to rely on your own self-control. The Fat Kid isn’t having that. He doesn’t have any self-control. If you don’t either, here are some tips.

  1. When someone suggests you try the cookies they brought to the holiday party, look at them and imagine what their sex life is like. Consider yours. Who would you rather be?
  2. If you think about having a second helping of anything remember what Mariah Carey looked like when she made her first Christmas album. Then recall what she looked like by the time she made the second one.
  3. If you choose to drink your calories rather than eat them you can always use the excuse of being drunk when you accidentally say things like  “I’d like to stuff your stocking” or you tell your hot co-worker that you spent the hour before the party “trimming your tree” and you’d really like it if they’d “hang something on it.”
  4. Egg Nog is basically your caloric intake for a month so make sure if you’re going to drink it you do something legendary like climbing on top of a table and leading the party in a tear -soaked, fist-pumping a cappella rendition of Bryan Adams’ “Christmas Time.”
  5. Yes, you’re wearing a chunky holiday sweater to cover the feelings you ate between Thanksgiving and now but remember: soon enough it’ll be spring and a pastel Easter polo is way less forgiving.
  6. Sure, there’s a couple of kids on Glee that look like they’re fat enough to play Santa Claus but they have to spend twelve hours a day on a set with Lea Michele. How long would you last before you cut yourself?
  7. Baby, it IS cold outside. But, you know where it’s colder? In the bed of a fatty.

I hope this was helpful. The Fat Kid will be back next week with more tips to ensure your holidays don’t turn you into this:

At least it's a dress and not a skirt.

At least it’s a dress and not a skirt.

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