Fuck a Diet, Get a Gym Crush

Tough shit. I’m waiting for my gym crush to arrive and it could take hours.

In our never-ending quest to find someone who is willing to have sex with us  better our physical health there is a never-ending glut of information telling us to try this diet or that exercise program. Let me give you a little piece of advice: There is only one method for achieving your goals and that is finding the right gym crush.

Now, I don’t have a degree in exercise science and I only ever went to two of my Nutrition 101 classes so I can’t really call myself an expert per say, but if Christina Aguilera can get paid to sit on her ass and dish out advice while looking like the Chola Humpty Dumpty then so can I. I spend half my time eating processed sugar and the other half training like I’m going to Rio in 2016, so I know what I’m talking about.

Having a gym crush is even more important than having a gym nemesis. Sure, a gym nemesis will make me pick up a heavier weight in an effort to exert my physical dominance, but a gym crush can make me work out for twice the amount of time I normally would.  No way could I ever have enough dirty looks to dish out to my nemesis for two hours. I’ve recently developed a new gym crush and over the last three weeks I’ve gone to the gym 18 times and I’ve only eaten bread once ( I know, I was really hung over.) Every time I reach for a carb and every time I consider sleeping in and skipping a workout I tell myself that I haven’t had sex with my gym crush yet and it’s probably because I’m too fat.

Now, you could say that it isn’t because I’m too fat and that it’s because we’ve yet to speak. However, that’s exactly the kind of rational thinking that should never be associated with fitness goals. At least the ones you want to achieve. Besides, if we did talk I run the risk of coming off like Alicia Keys did in that creepy video “You Don’t Know My Name.” Yes, her character was a waitress and yes I’m a waiter, so you could argue I should follow her lead,  but a) I don’t work in a diner and b) I don’t have amazing skin because I’m not half-black (despite what my moves on the dance floor say).

The Alicia Keys argument is a moot point anyway because I’m too smart to ever allow us to speak. I WILL NOT let a conversation ruin the fantasy that unravels in my head especially when it contains all the thrills, complexity and nuance of a Homeland plot. I finally fit back in my skinny jeans and instead of seeing the world from an angry Alanis Morissette- type point of view, I once again see the world through One Direction colored glasses. The proof is in the pudding that I’m not eating. My gym crush has helped me achieve “goal weight.”

However, if you reach goal weight, you’ve got to stay there. Here’s my next piece of advice: once you’re at goal weight make sure you become someone else’s gym crush. Since I’ve pretty much spent every waking hour at the gym over the last month I’ve noticed that I have been elevated to hot crush status by a geeky guy in glasses who is doing the same. You know the type: they look at you and hear a Kylie Minogue song, you look at them and hear Bed Intruder. Sure, he creeps me out but it feels good whenever anyone wants to have sex with you, right? I’ll do whatever I can to keep my self-esteem alive and if you want to stay in shape you should too.

I really recommend this tactic to everyone but you must be careful things do not come full circle. While aggressively pursuing my gym crush and fitness goals, Bed Intruder has been doing the same. I noticed that he’s starting to really make some progress and I became distressed that the size of his biceps might outgrow mine. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to allow this to happen so I did the one thing I knew would ruin his gym crush. I talked to him.

His fantasy was ruined, his exercise routine was thrown into a rut, and my biceps have retained the title of Best Arms at the Gym.

It’s great to have inspiration and it’s great to inspire, but it’s never okay to be eclipsed.

Enjoy your workout.

I’m not a fashion expert but that hair net *might* be f—ing with your game girl.

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2 Responses to Fuck a Diet, Get a Gym Crush

  1. Doug Wheeler says:

    I’ve recently developed a new gym crush and over the last three weeks I’ve gone to the gym 18 times and I’ve only eaten bread once ( I know, I was really hung over.)

    This made me EL OH EL

  2. Pingback: On Spin Class | The Fat Kid in Me

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