Watching the X-Factor in my X-Large shorts.

I know girl. That’s exactly how I felt after I realized I didn’t stop eating for two hours.

Well, I started watching the show in my jeans but by the second half of the first hour I had to get up to make more ravioli so I decided to succumb to the inevitable and put the big shorts with the elastic waistband on. I can’t help it. The Wednesday night shows are two hours long and I can’t go two hours without eating. Also, I can’t stop eating when I’m nervous. And this show makes me nervous. Britney is one wrong move away from getting the Claire Danes in Homeland electro shock therapy treatment and I’m worried she might snap. Thank God for Demi Lovato. There’s a Fat Kid if I ever saw one. I love her. This was the most the most surprising thing about this season (well, aside from the fact that out of all the decisions Britney Spears is not allowed to legally make, doing her own make-up is apparently one she can make. Don’t worry: I’m petitioning her conservator judge to strip her of that right as we speak). Thoughts…

  1. Britney Spears does not live in that house. I know this because she has toddlers and there wasn’t a gate around the infinity pool. Although, if you’re Spears-Federline, there’s a good chance someone already taught you to swim and that somebody is your father because, well, he’s a whale.
  2. Let this be a lesson to all of the dumb ass, dirt poor dancers from the San Fernando Valley circling Demi Lovato at her next video shoot: You can ruin a pop star’s life by breaking her heart, taking her money, sanity and her kids-but God will make you fat.
  3. And he’ll make your solo rap career fail.
  4. Sorry, back on topic.
  5. WHO IN GOD’S NAME LET HER PUT GREEN STREAKS IN HER HAIR??
  6. I’d like to see Demi’s kitchen. I bet she has good snacks.
  7. That rug in Demi’s “loft” has a better personality than Nick Jonas.
  8. I don’t understand why the Jonas Demi slept with before she went to rehab for beating up her back-up dancer isn’t her guest mentor.
  9. I feel like there’s a good chance that after they wrapped for the day, Demi went out for six margaritas and made the Jonas her DD. Good move Lovato, I would’ve done the same thing girl.
  10. The chick with the animal print tattoos on her face also has them on her leg. It would be a shame if someone mistook her for a wild animal and shot her.
  11. I’d like to think Demi has gotten wasted and thrown up on that Jonas at some point.
  12. The lone female rapper, Lyric Da Queen, just looked at the camera and said, “no one’s ever made it from Flint, Michigan.” Yeah, no one except some girl named MADONNA.
  13. Lyric went on to say she’s “been to more funerals than weddings.” I suppose this means she comes from a rough part of town.  She goes on to perform a rap version of “Party in the USA.” Naturally.
  14. Fat kids love that song.

  15. The 3 guys in the boy band will not win this competition but they will wind up doing gay for pay porn.
  16. The girl group Sister C said their dad works “really hard” and their mom is their “stylist.”  Somewhere in the House of Dereon, Tina Knowles is laughing.
  17. I’m at least five pounds heavier than I was two hours ago.
  18. Maybe I should go on the Marc Anthony/ Night of the Living Dead diet.
  19. Thank you Britney.
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