It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that I have a gym nemesis. In fact I have a few nemeses.
However it was a shock to me that the plural of nemesis isn’t nemesi-because that seems way more fun and more gym ninja like and I think I might just use it anyway because if Beyonce can create a word like bootylicious then why the fuck can’t I create a word like nemesi? Sure, they don’t know it but so what? Michelle Bachmann doesn’t know that her husband is gay but that doesn’t make it any less true. I’m sure at some point I will have to address them all in this forum but for now I’d like to focus my energy on the man boy troll guy who really gets my goat.
Dear Gym Nemesis,
- Stop prancing through the gym as if you are a show pony whose body we should be in awe of . The first time I saw you I thought that you were a fourteen year old female gymnast.
- The second time I saw you I thought you were a meth addicted junkie who hit the lottery when a male model dropped off his workout clothes at the local Goodwill.
- Speaking of your clothes: You obviously haven’t met a sleeveless shirt you don’t like. I’d give you a free pass since we’re at the gym… but is this the only place you wear that tank? I think not.
- My arms look way better than yours so stop looking at me with scorn and start looking at me with adulation.
- I don’t mind when people make an effort to match when they’re at the gym. Here’s where I draw the line: The bill of your trucker hat (don’t even get me started on that) matches your shirt which also matches your shoelaces. I probably wouldn’t even notice this if the color was say, black, but it’s f—ing lime green, so I highly doubt this was accidental.
- Get off your phone. This is a gym. Of all the ways you irritate me this one takes the cake, so much so that today I actually wondered if your iPhone ear buds could be used as a noose.
- Why don’t you sweat??? I’m wetter than Xtina’s FUPA when someone dangles bacon in her face and yet I’m just as fat as she is.
- I burn more calories than you do at the gym just by giving you dirty looks and I still look like a less Jewish Seth Rogen.
- The only person that can get away with guyliner in the middle of the day is Adam Lambert, and everyone knows that the only people who should be taking style tips from him are lesbians or Liberace impersonators.
- You’re not man enough to be a lesbian and I doubt anyone saw enough potential in you to invest in classical piano lessons.