10 Ways to Insult Skinny People

There’s a good chance I’m going to abandon this by Wednesday.

Hi there. It’s Monday- which for most people means the start of the work week. Monday is the Fat Kid’s Thursday. (But when every day of your life feels like a Wednesday what difference does it make?) Monday is also the day when you have to listen to your skinny twig bitch co-worker Karen talk about the 5K she ran this weekend or your dumb as a box of rocks co-worker Doug talk about how great Saturday’s Crossfit WOD was. (If you don’t know what a WOD is consider yourself lucky-and if you find yourself in the position of having to have someone explain it to you, let me warn you now-you’ll hate that person even more than you did before they started talking.) Well, I’m not just here to rant, I’m here to help. Here are some of the Fat Kid’s tried and true methods for insulting skinny people. If you have any you’d like to share email me at thefatkidinmedotcom@gmail.com and if I’m not feeling totally insecure because you’re funnier than I am I’ll share them with the group. 

  1. Did you know that there’s aspartame in that Diet Coke? It’s a neurotoxin. Enjoy being skinny while you can, because you’re going to die of a brain tumor later.
  2. Get over yourself.  I mean, even Oprah was skinny once.
  3. Did you know that people who watch their iPad while on the treadmill statistically have less friends than other people?
  4. Yes Doug, your Sunday football party where you serve nothing but MGD 64 and carrots sticks sounds like a real treat but I doubt I would enjoy myself because I have a limited amount of self-control and right now I’m using all of it to keep myself from calling you a pussy.
  5. Oh you’re going vegan? 38% of produce tests positive for pesticides. 0% of the pizza I just demolished does.
  6. I don’t have to be thin because God gave me a personality. And awesome hair.
  7. At least no one is ever going to accuse someone my size of being addicted to meth.
  8. Yes, I drink enough water Karen. I don’t have to get up and pee every five seconds because there’s actually room in my body for my bladder.
  9. At certain angles I might look like Jonah Hill but at least I don’t look like DJ Qualls.
  10. Congratulations for booking a role as a featured extra in that commercial starring Sally Struthers. Were those flies buzzing around your head CGI?

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This entry was posted in Fat Kid's Thoughts, Fitness, Uncategorized, Weight and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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