Xtina, Let’s Talk: Fat Kid to Fat Kid

Girl, this is a long time coming. I can’t put it off any longer. We have to talk. Fat Kid to Fat Kid. First I want to talk about this:

  1. You gave up the right to wear lace 30lbs ago.
  2. Black is meant to be slimming, but when I look at this all I see is the Shamu show at Sea World.
  3. You don’t have eyes in the back of your head so I think I should alert you to the fact that your son ran a purple highlighter through your weave. However, being a toddler, he didn’t do a very good job at being even.
  4. You are beautiful no matter what they say. Just not at this angle.
  5. You’re starting to look less like a Genie in a Bottle and more like an Elephant in a Zoo.
  6. This looks like slutty funeral attire so it begs the question: which porn star died and why is there a red carpet?
  7. I’m not saying you need to tone it down like your former Mouseketeer BFF Lobotomy Spears but maybe take a page from her book and put a 5150 on your access to dessert.
  8. You can only get away with being this size on television because you’re sitting next to Cee-Lo.  
  9. Fire every single one of your gays.
  10. You just released a new song called “Your Body.” Which leads me to this:

mmm…you really wanna talk about your body?

 

  1. This looks like the slutty still image version of Bonnie Tyler’s Holding Out for a Hero music video.
  2. You get paid $10 million a season for The Voice. Certainly you can afford something to play with other than your curtains.
  3. There is so much blond weave covering your boobs that you are presently at risk of being confused with Cousin It.
  4. I just read that Shakira is replacing you on The Voice while you tour. Girl, not for nothing but Shakira said it best when she said “Hips Don’t Lie.”
  5. I would have understood this body choice when you were going through your black guy phase but one of your legs is bigger than the entire size of that PA you picked up on the set of Burlesque.
  6. Speaking of Burlesque, maybe you should give Cher a call. She could also give you a lesson on f—ing the help. Also, she chooses Equal. Maybe you should too.

The Fat Kid in Me on You Tube

The Fat Kid in Me on Facebook

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