Details Magazine or YOU DON’T EVEN SLEEP CORRECTLY LOSER

I used to look forward to my copy of Details magazine arriving every month. Nowadays its arrival fills me with dread. It’s a constant reminder that I’m not at goal weight and even if I was I’d still have another 15lbs to go before I could even be considered a human being by the editors of Details. Thoughts from this month’s edition…

  1. Apparently there’s a smarter way to sleep. I’m not even going to bother reading this article because I already know the answer. It’s spelled m-a-r-i-j-u-a-n-a. Now, could the publisher at Details give me a f—ing job as an editor? Because I would have saved them 3 pages that could have been sold for more Tommy Hilfiger ads which means we probably all would have gotten a bonus which means that I would be able to afford the $600 headphones that you keep telling me I NEED.
  2. We can now have TWO cheat days a week! Math isn’t my thing but I think this means that there’s only five days a week I can possibly fail as opposed to six. Huzzah.
  3. According to Details I need to fatproof my closet by throwing away or donating my fat clothes so that I don’t even have the choice of growing in to them. Fine, I’ll do it, but your skinny ass better get used to seeing me in my underwear every time I go on a pizza bender and can’t get into my Lucky’s.
  4. Oh great, the cassette tape is making a comeback. In related news feel free to throw away your iPhone and reach me via a tin can and a piece of yarn.
  5. Ben Affleck says that when he was giving Blake Lively a tour of Boston and pointed at Matt Damon’s childhood home she said “you really know Jason Bourne?” Blake- it’s time to stop gossiping girl and start (good will) hunting for a brain girl.
  6. Ben Affleck used the words “Jennifer Lopez” twice in his interview which I’m sure is two times more than Jennifer Garner and the studio exec that greenlit Gigli wanted to hear it.
  7. Apparently there’s a lot of people desperate for spiritual awakenings that are travelling to India to practice yoga and meditation and it’s killing them. Maybe I’m a dick but it seems like the problem is resolving itself. In related news I’m offering free one way tickets to India to several of my co-workers.
  8. So hip-hop is having a “gay moment.” One of these gays is a white rapper named Big Dipper who weighs 220lbs and has hair where his shoulders are supposed to be. I’m not going to listen to his music but I am going to tear out his picture and hang it on my wall so that every time I start to feel bad about myself I can look at that mess and thank god that he makes my body store fat in just one area instead of all over.
  9. I’m a terrible person.
  10. I guess we’re all supposed to get an IV vitamin drip these days because swallowing capsules is just not cutting it??? I feel like it’s my civic duty to stand outside of this clinic in Beverly Hills, bitch slap these people as they exit and force them to take an IV drip of my Haterade. Agreed?

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