He’s Got David Beckham Dreams With An Elton John Body

Who the f— invited Eva Longoria?

It struck me today when I was working out how much time I spend trying to achieve a body type that is probably out of my reach. (Shut up Crossfitters, yes some things are unattainable.) It most likely had to do with the guy who was working out behind me. He resembled David Beckham, if David Beckham was a real person and worked out at LA Fitness. He kept lifting up his shirt to “wipe off his forehead” but I’ve played that game before and it’s called “showing off your abs.” Look, everyone needs to feel superior. I get it. That’s why I engage my co-workers in conversations. He accomplished his mission: I was immediately jealous of his abs. They were everything I’ve always wanted my abs to be and nothing that they ever will be since I’m not 6’3 (Shut up yoga people, if I want to hang out in a room with malnourished smelly people I can’t communicate with I’ll go stand in line at the Van Nuys DMV). I was despondent. I wanted to bend it like Beckham, but the only thing I’m bending is the truth when you ask me how much I weigh.

And then.

Drugs in the 70’s must have been awesome.

Someone saved my life.

Well, my iPod did. Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock” came on and instantly changed my perspective.  And I started to think, perhaps Elton should be your inspiration, not Beckham. I mean, Elton’s body type is closer to mine so it’s not completely out of the question. Who would you rather be?

Do you think Elton and Kiki Dee would have taken this photo?

Sure Posh and Becks seem like a great couple, but as a good friend of mine recently noted after the Olympics, I’m convinced Victoria Beckham is actually dead. In the rare moments she does breathe air she seems to exhale a strong odor of bitch. I don’t know much about Elton’s partner David but I’m pretty sure there’s only one queen in that house, and it ain’t him. Also, he chose Lady GaGa to be their son’s godmother, so at the very least he has a sense of humor. The last time Posh laughed was when someone       suggested she try the bread.

If you want a part in MI:6, keep smiling.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention their friends. Sure Posh and Becks used to hang with Beyonce and Jay-Z, but they also spent a lot of time with Tom and Katie. Raise your hand if you  want to spend time with Tom and/or Katie. Exactly. Elton seems to keep much better company as he’s always yachting with Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David (I’m sensing a theme here). Raise your hand if you want to hang out with NPH. That’s what I thought.

Elton has written some truly great songs over the years. Beckham has written a book. It’s called, “Beckham.” I haven’t read it (I’ll get to it, shut up, I’ve been reading Clinton’s “My Life” for seven years) so maybe I’m missing something but I doubt it will give me half the joy that “Rocket Man” does.

Sure thing buddy.

As far as hobbies go, it seems that Beckham likes to sit court side at Lakers’ games. Elton likes to spend his free time bitching about Madonna’s lack of talent. I can’t get down with Elton on that topic, but I can’t exactly endorse Becks hanging out at the Staples Center with Zac Efron either. If  Disney produced a made for tv movie musical about high school soccer Zac Efron would play the shorter, tinier, more gnome like character inspired by Becks. (Vanessa Hudgens could play the slutty, vaguely Latina version of Posh. Though she would probably do something Victoria has never done- actually sing.)

And then I told him he could play me in the movie.

I suppose there is little merit in hoping to be either one of them since I can’t play soccer and I can’t play a piano. I also don’t have a yacht, and I can’t get anyone to take black and white photos of me in my underwear. I guess I just have to learn how to be happy with who I am on the inside and not what I look like on the outside.  Although if you told me that to my face I’d probably respond the way Elton recently did on his yacht to the paparazzi:


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