You took the words right outta my mouth. It must have been while you were kissing me.

1. Camping Monday. Try to avoid eating Smores. Failure likely. Blame it on nostalgia, not lack of self-control.
2. Survive another week of heat wave. Force fat neighbor to make eye contact with me in the pool.
3. Exercise seven days in a row. Throw shade at new gym nemesis.
4. Repeat this Sunday’s amazing abs by using the Saturday night half an avocado for dinner/4 Stoli Blueberi & sodas for dessert method I employed last week.
5. Create fake Match.com profile. Torment other singles for self-esteem boost.
6. Go to weird Armenian overrun mall in Burbank and buy the Perfect Meatloaf Pan Set at weird “As Seen on TV” store. Avoid talking to an Armenian. Make meatloaf.
7. Try to get someone to hit my car and total it while avoiding bodily injury so as to reap financial benefits/get new car/have good story to tell.
8. Avoid substituting Grand Marnier for eating a real orange (Siri, repeat this event every week)
9. Go five minutes without thinking out loud about body image and one day without telling someone I’m fat.
10. Blame emotional eating on pangs of sadness associated with dog Spike that ran away fifteen years ago.

I love Meat Loaf.

 
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