Alone in a bathroom.
Taking a picture in the mirror.
I have some thoughts. …
- Welcome to Facebook. There’s a place for this picture. This isn’t it. That place is called Craigslist. Look it up. You can get a great deal on some patio furniture as well. Sure it’s used, but so is your tired ass and you can still sit on that, right?
- Have you heard of this thing called other people? They can come over and take that picture for you. It isn’t as creepy and it makes you look like
you’re not a fucking weirdoyou actually have friends.
- Congratulations on your six-pack. I’m sure it has everything to do with your “diet” and nothing at all to do with “genetics.” Also, “fuck you.”
- You know that Goodreads is a social network for people who read books, right? Your semi naked photo is a tad out-of-place. Oh, never mind, I just noticed you did read a book. The author is one of The Real Housewives. My bad.
- Your lower abs look great, but you could have at least taken the time to remove that roll of toilet paper from the background. I know it’s a bathroom, but your naked torso paired with thoughts of you defecating is eliciting the opposite reaction you had hoped to achieve.
- In most circles, at least. There’s probably an audience for that on Craigslist as well.
- The Venn diagram of people who take shirtless self pics heavily intersects with segments of the population who take Valtrex.
- Oh. I didn’t mean to confuse you. Here you go. Venn diagram. Valtrex. Questions?
- Congratulations on your degree. If the rest of your graduating class is as savvy as you are then China should be terrified by American exceptionalism and the wrath it will reign down in the near future.
If we’re ever on a boat together, don’t stand too close to the railing.