Hey Chris Christie: Try the Salad.

Don’t come near my f—ing sandwich.

Dear Gov. Christie,

You and I have two things in common. We’re both from New Jersey and we both love cheese steaks. The similarities end there though because I enjoy a cheese steak once or twice a year and from the looks of things you enjoy them once or twice a day. I will concede that my distance from Philly precludes me from having access to anything that tastes even remotely like a proper cheese steak, but let’s not split hairs, shall we?

I don’t think your weight has any place as a subject in our national political discourse.

Except, it does.


You just gave the keynote address for the Republican party’s convention. You said repeatedly what it is that Republicans believe in. You said that Americans need to know the truth. You know that you’re talking to a room full of people who don’t believe in global warming, an issue that 98% of climate scientists agree is real. Why would an educated man who runs the most densely populated state in our great nation not encourage his party to stop disputing scientific facts and start embracing reality? Oh, that’s right. Just look in the mirror.

Or two mirrors. However many you need.

Scientists also agree that overeating an abundance of fatty foods coupled with a severe disinterest in exercise will lead to obesity. They also belive that obesity leads to heart disease. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in America. But pay no mind. These are just “facts.” Probably created by the same people who created the climate change “facts.”

I know what you’re thinking (yes, glazed donuts do sound good) and you’re right.  You’re entitled to make yourself as fat as you want. This is America. You’ll receive great health care from your government-run Medicare after your first heart attack. Even if you’re working in the private sector by then, don’t worry, your health insurance won’t be able to deny you coverage because your obesity is a pre-existing condition. Obama had your back (fat) on that too. Thank him later. Send him some salt water taffy from Cape May. Michelle won’t mind because they exercise.

Look, I don’t hate you.

Teachers in New Jersey hate you which is odd because teachers usually don’t hate anyone.

Well, except for the students that disrupt class and prohibit people from actually learning. What are those things that lazy overpaid union loving pigs teachers are always trying to get students to learn? Oh, that’s right. “Facts.”

Look, I would love nothing more than to have a fat president one day. Truly. Unlike the vast majority of right-wing nuts in your party, you actually believe in man-made climate change. So on behalf of all the fat kids out there that need someone to look up to: take your head out of your ass, take your fingers out of the cookie jar, stop talking for five minutes and allow a fact or two to enter the one brain cell left in your head that isn’t occupied by thoughts of pasta and cake, share that fact with your convention hall full of black hating, race baiting, gay bashing, fact eschewing religious zealots, and maybe, just maybe, one day people across this country will be able to take you seriously.


The Fat Kid

PS-how was the post convention spread? Was there lobster?!

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2 Responses to Hey Chris Christie: Try the Salad.

  1. OIe Osathirikul says:

    Christie’s ass has already devoured Rhode Island and Delaware. Now it’s munching on Maryland. Somebody must stop his big fat ass from devouring the entire country.

  2. doug says:

    mmmmm, pasta and cake

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