Thoughts From the Gym, Vol 3

F— Off.

I unexpectedly gained 2lbs over the weekend so a super workout was in order. I was particularly cranky since the weight gain has me back on a restricted calorie diet. Today, at least. Well, we’ll see, the day’s not over. Thoughts…

  1. I wonder how many calories I burn suppressing the urge to kill someone in this parking lot?
  2. The next entitled teenager in a Mercedes that cuts me off is getting pulled out of the car and beaten with my shoe.
  3. I need to calm down.
  4. I believe the words you were looking for in English are EXCUSE ME. I don’t know the Russian translation you dumb b—-
  5. I’m so hungry.
  6. Wow, lime green is really having a moment in fitness apparel, isn’t it?
  7. It must be nice to be able to stretch. I ate an entire pizza at 1am on Saturday night, so I don’t have time for that, I’ve got to do abs.
  8. Wait-black guys are into Tapout too?! I thought that was a white-trash specific pastime.
  9. Or is that MMA?
  10. I’m so confused.
  11. OMG there’s blood on this olympic bar from that Crossfit guy doing dead lifts.
  12. Does HIV die at room temperature?
  13. I shouldn’t risk it.
  14. You’re so fat, you have no choice, just wrap your towel around it.
  15. Gym condom.
  16. That’s not funny.
  17. Maybe if I say it out loud it will be.
  18. “Gym condom”
  19. What are YOU looking at? You’re wearing those barefoot separate toe shoes- so don’t judge ME, ok?
  20. I want you to know that if I drop this dumbbell on your head it’s not because you’re invading my personal space, it’s because you’re wearing Beats by Dre headphones.
  21. Note to self: wash towel later.
  22. I only have 1 set left, but if you continue to stare at me like that I will increase that number from 1 to 3, and take a 5 minute break in between sets.
  23. I wonder if that guy knows I’m doing Taylor Lautner’s ab workout?
  24. If you’re wearing a beanie to the gym, you’re not working out hard enough.
  25. Jesus Christ you stink.
  26. Take off that f—ing beanie and maybe you wouldn’t—
  27. Shit.
  28. It’s me.
  29. I have to get out of here.

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