Details Magazine, or You’re Fat, Lazy and Not F***able.

If you had to work with Anne Hathaway twice you’d start smoking too.

I woke up today with a stiff neck. Never one to put my health at risk I called my doctor decided it would be prudent to skip the gym. That doesn’t mean I neglected my health. I used my allotted gym time to lay out by the pool because I’m not drinking milk anymore so I need vitamin D from the sun or something (?). Also, as a general rule, tanned fat looks better than pale fat. I enjoy a magazine poolside because I can keep trying the different cologne samples and then wash them off with a quick dip. The heat disrupts my ability to focus so I prefer a mag that doesn’t make me think any more than a male model.  A few observations from this month’s Details…

  1. According to the cover headline Jake Gyllenhaal is “back.” The article doesn’t explain where he went, but according to the pictures it was a place without razors where they teach you to roll your own cigarettes and discourage bathing… James Franco’s house???
  2. There’s a lifestyle you can achieve if you eat the “Success Diet.” Now I know why I’m such a failure.
  3. You know how those kids from “Glee” put two songs together and call it a mash-up? Well, you can fucking blame them for this: Now there’s a thing called car “mash-ups.” Yeah, two cool cars put together. Which is really disheartening for someone who can’t even afford a Kia.
  4. According to an article on office fitness, Brendan Shay, a financial planner, pops in a DVD of the P90X ab workout when he starts to feel that “3pm slump” at the office. Don’t worry; if I see him first I’ll smack the shit out of him for you. I’ll record it and then that way when you start to feel the “3pm slump” you can pop in a DVD of me kicking his ass.
  5. There’s 3 yoga moves you can perform at your desk while working. I’ll try exactly none of them today.
  6. It’s okay for a group of multi-ethnic Ralph Lauren models to pop the collar of their Polo’s. However, unless you’re a Kennedy and you’re hanging at The Vineyard this summer I would advise against it.
  7. Side note: If you are a Kennedy and you’re hanging at The Vineyard a) be careful of that curse and b) be careful of Taylor Swift-she dated John Mayer, and even though I’m not his doctor, I’m pretty sure he has something you don’t want.
  8. Your most important relationship is with your tailor. Everyone be sure to tell their lovers, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives. For bonus fun, tell your f— buddy too, just so they know where they stand.
  9. Apparently I need to own a $525 decanter and a $63 wine glass. The editor of Details has obviously never been to one of my parties. My friends are a hot mess and the second I turned my back one of them would turn the decanter into a bong and the other would shatter the glass once she moved onto her 2nd bottle of cab.
  10. Look, Ewan McGregor is remaking the “Rhythm Nation” video:

People of the world unite. Strength in numbers. Will you get it right.One time? SING!

 

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