No, I’m not trying Crossfit.

I’m always working out. So shut up.

In the world of exercise nothing has risen to cult status quicker than Crossfit. I don’t mean that as a compliment. Everyone who’s nobody is doing it, and they all seem to think they’ve won the golden ticket. Crossfitters posses a smug self-satisfaction that rivals the lunatics who wake up at 5am to do BootCamp. Like good cult members they are quick to extol the virtues of Crossfit in an effort to suck you in. My theory? Misery loves company. Below is a point/counterpoint.

Let me tell you about my Crossfit class.

I wish I was Tupac so I could make my hologram have this conversation with you.

It’s the best $150 a month I’ve ever spent.

F— you, you elite capitalist snob. I’m part of the 99%. I don’t have an extra $150 a month. If I did I wouldn’t spend it on Crossfit. I’d buy a “Wanna Get Away” fare on Southwest, fly to San Fransisco, pick up some Ghiradelli chocolate and watch the sea lions sunbathe on Fisherman’s Wharf.

It’s in a warehouse, so you feel like you’re there to WORK.

This looks like a bombed out former Blockbuster Video and it’s exactly the kind of place I would imagine an Al Qaeda terrorist cell would rent in El Segundo to plan a new attack. It doesn’t make me want to exercise, it makes me want to call the FBI.

It’s a movement.

Look, until Madonna starts doing it and adopts it as the central theme in an image transformation (a la yoga) that morphs into one of the greatest albums of her career, it’s not a movement. And the last time I checked, Crossfit isn’t on the group exercise class list at Hard Candy Fitness*.

It’s not a fad, it’s here to stay.

That’s what my neighbor Darlene said about her ThighMaster in 1985. It’s true. Ask her this Saturday at her yard sale, where she’s selling it for $0.50 to help pay for her gastric bypass.

It’s “extreme” fitness.

Last night I got drunk on a $6 bottle of Riesling and tried to scrape off my lower back fat with a cheese grater. That’s extreme.

The Shake Weight can be a brutal workout too.

You should switch up your workout.

If you followed me on Twitter you’d fucking know that last week I bought a Shake Weight.

It will completely transform your body.

But will it REALLY? Because I’ve been doing Taylor Lautner’s ab workout for two weeks and I still look like the pot-bellied ginger from Harry Potter.

It’s really great because we use a lot of untraditional methods.

As fun as that sounds, there’s a tire that’s been sitting on my patio for 6+ months that I can’t be bothered to move, so I won’t be rolling one down an alley in Van Nuys for exercise anytime soon. But if you’re into that kind of thing, and it’s such a great workout, feel free to visit my pad and get rid of it for me.

The group atmosphere really helps to keep you motivated.

The only thing I like doing in a group is drinking. And the only reason I can tolerate an entire group of people is because I’m drunk.

*Yes, she really owns her own gyms which she named after an album you didn’t know about either. There’s one in Moscow and one in Mexico City, and now that you know that you’ve got an advantage the next time someone at game night (eye roll) suggests Trivial Pursuit. Or if you meet a Mexican or a Russian and need a conversation non starter.

This isn’t the only spare tire I have.

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3 Responses to No, I’m not trying Crossfit.

  1. Jocelyn Keilman says:

    I fricken’ love this. xx

  2. Pingback: On Spin Class | The Fat Kid in Me

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