F— You and Your F—ing Cleanse

I have days when I only drink liquids too. It just happens to be tequila because I happen to not be a pussy.

Forgive my language, I really hate to be crass, but there’s a heat wave in Los Angeles and The Fat Kid in Me is feeling very irritable. Sure, when it’s 107 degrees in The Valley it’s a great excuse to not wear underwear or shoes or a shirt. Also it becomes absolutely acceptable to always have a pitcher of skinny margaritas on hand, and by virtue of that to constantly have a buzz going. And yes, the heat kills my appetite and makes me sweat out excess water weight revealing the abs God intended me to have, before he created the asshole who created high fructose corn syrup. But I’m really pissed off about this heat wave because it could have been avoided. Science was never really my thing (I was more into snack time and lunch and getting home in time to watch General Hospital), but my guess is that everyone who is on a cleanse is farting constantly and filling the ozone with their methane, causing this 20+ degree temperature spike. If you want to do a cleanse then go fuck yourself good for you, but don’t talk to me about it. If you do, know this: I might appear to be listening but here’s what I’m really thinking…

  1. When you mentioned you were on a cleanse I didn’t say “tell me more.” What I did do is clench my jaw, avoid eye contact and swat a fly that doesn’t exist in an effort to change the subject.
  2. The only thing I’m putting fresh lemon juice and cayenne pepper in is a spicy margarita. And maple syrup is for pancakes you fucking communist.
  3. I would rather be trapped in a closet with R. Kelly then listen to your cleanse story.
  4. If I want to have a bowel movement that looks like seaweed, I’ll open my mouth and swallow the next time I’m in the Pacific.
  5. You’re not having a spiritual awakening, you’re light-headed. Don’t worry though, its only temporary before you return to lucidity and realize you’re still a fucking hopeless mess.
  6. Since Obama put the kibosh on water boarding has anyone at the CIA considered using your cleanse story as a new form of torture?
  7. How lovely for you that you can afford to spend $500 to have a fresh juice cleanse delivered to your house everyday! It’s just a thought, but my guess is that the money would be better spent on a psychiatrist who can help you figure out why you packed on 30lbs in the first place.
  8. No one in the history of humanity has ever said, “I want to fuck that guy because he’s on a cleanse.”
  9. I’m buying a cheese steak today, photographing it, and putting the picture on Instagram so I can ruin your day like you’re ruining mine.
  10. If there’s any justice in the world your lack of eating will cause you to pass out before this conversation is over.
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4 Responses to F— You and Your F—ing Cleanse

  1. April says:

    Thank you for writing this. I think you took all the thoughts out of my head and made them better…LMAO. Been finding this “cleanse” insane for years. Not a single sports coach, doctor or personal/physical trainer has ever suggested this to me and it is a completely unhealthy mess of a thing to do. AND if you have to do it more than once a year, it isn’t working…if it were, you’d STILL be skinny from the last time…cause that’s really what you are cleansing anyway…no? The “cleanse” is maybe the most healthy(?) way to be an anorexic..? Also, for all the people that have the spiritual awakening….barf…can’t hear it either..next time you go pray with monks on a mountain for a week and eat sparingly, maybe I’ll believe you. Again, thank you!

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