The Fat Kid in Me has been hard at work in the gym, so it’s only fitting that he spend a day at the beach to show off his
awesome average body. I brought along my friend, Naturally Thin (eye roll). The Fat Kid in Me usually has a big problem with people who don’t have to work for a size 30 waist and can text while on the elliptical, but Naturally Thin has a big fat kid in him too. It’s the glue that holds us together. The following are highlights from our day at the beach. And the Mexican place for lunch. And the pizza place for dinner. There would have been a dessert stop too but Naturally Thin killed that dream. The Fat Kid in Me wanted frozen yogurt but Naturally Thin had some kind of stomach surgery when he was a kid, for some legitimate health problem which was basically like getting lap band before obese people made it trendy, so he didn’t have any room for dessert (eye roll) and The Fat Kid in Me felt too ashamed to demand it.
The Fat Kid in Me stands outside of Naturally Thin’s apartment complex. He dials the phone.
The Fat Kid in Me: I’m here. And it’s hot. So hurry up.
Naturally Thin: Should I bring a cooler?
The Fat Kid in Me: I already packed one.
Naturally Thin: Duh.
The Fat Kid in Me: Well, who waits until now to think about snacks for the day?!
The Fat Kid in Me hangs up the phone.
The Fat Kid in Me snacks on string cheese.
NT: I can’t give up cheese.
TFKIM: Well, it’s light string cheese.
NT: I buy blocks.
TFKIM: (disgusted and jealous of Naturally Thin but aroused by the idea of a block of cheese) A block of cheese? I wish. I can’t, I’ll eat the whole thing in one sitting.
NT: I can’t do that.
TFKIM: (eye roll) I know. You’re stomach isn’t big enough because of your lap band procedure.
NT: It was an esophageal surgery.
NT: It makes me burp all the time.
TFKIM: At least it’s physically impossible for you to overeat.
Naturally Thin asks the Lifeguard for directions to the Mexican place that The Fat Kid in Me has already found, mapped and pulled up a mobile coupon for, on Yelp.
TFKIM: I took a picture of you talking to the lifeguard.
NT: I know.
TFKIM: How do you know?
NT: You were pointing your phone at us.
TFKIM: Oh. I tried to make it look like I was checking my hair using the camera’s reverse position.
NT: That’s a good idea, I usually use my mirror app for that.
TFKIM: Don’t ever tell things like that to anyone but me .
On Preparedness Part Deux…
NT: You packed agave nectar?
TFKIM: Of course. The iced tea is unsweetened.
NT: Don’t chug your drink like you’re about to give me bad news!
TFKIM: That’s just how I drink.
TFKIM: I think that’s Chaz Bono!
NT: I think you’re right.
The Fat Kid in Me is Facebook stalking.
TFKIM: Have you ever fallen in love based on a Facebook profile?
TFKIM: (defeated, embarrassed, humiliated) Oh.
NT: Why aren’t you eating the tortillas?
TFKIM: (he rolls his eyes at Naturally Thin) I can’t afford the calories.
On Etiquette Part Deux…
The Fat Kid in Me brushes his hair back.
NT: You have sand in your hair.
The Fat Kid in Me runs his fingers through his hair, inspects.
TFKIM: Nope. It’s margarita salt.
The Fat Kid in Me and Naturally Thin walk out of the Mexican joint.
TFKIM: I can’t feel my legs.
NT: My shoes aren’t even on.
NT: I want to go in the water.
TFKIM: I have to pee.
NT: That’s why I want to go in the water.
The Fat Kid in Me eyes the surf which is POUNDING the coast.
TFKIM: This is rough, like Cabo.
TFKIM: San Lucas.
NT: I’ve never been.
TFKIM: Well, someone died when I was there, okay?
NT: From what?
TFKIM: The water.
A wave knocks The Fat Kid in Me down.
Naturally Thin laughs. Naturally.
The Fat Kid in Me fights for his life in a riptide.
TFKIM: (panic) I think I’m caught in a riptide!!!
NT: You’re not.
The Fat Kid in Me is nearly drowning.
TFKIM: I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY FOR THIS.
Naturally Thin treads water and regards The Fat Kid in Me with
disdain confusion. The Fat Kid in Me regains his composure and begins to tread calmly.
TFKIM: DO NOT look at me like that. I worked out five days in a row, I’m exhausted.
On Water Sports…
TFKIM: I think my dad is going to buy a wave runner.
NT: They’re dangerous.
TFKIM: No they’re not.
NT: My friend died on one.
TFKIM: You’re a buzz kill.
Naturally Thin returns from the bathroom.
NT: There was so much sand in my shorts that my balls looked like donuts rolled in sprinkles.
On Packing up to Leave…
Naturally Thin pulls a tank top from his bag.
NT: What is on my shirt, nachos?!
TFKIM: You are so fat.