The Fat Kid in Me has been watching the Olympics. He’s obsessed with the Olympics. He would have loved to have been an Olympic athlete once upon a time. Unfortunately he has about as much discipline as the OctoMom at a fertility clinic, so it would have never worked out. Bela Karolyi would have caught him binge eating Breyer’s Vanilla Bean and kicked his ass right out of Houston back to New Jersey to suffer with the rest of the non-exceptional people. While watching, The Fat Kid in Me snacks on non fat yogurt and almonds (just kidding last night he had two “Svelte Sandwiches” which is the Trader Joe’s version of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches for all you skinny bitches that don’t know anything about dessert). Here are the things that have crossed his mind as of late:
- Debbie Phelps would make a great spokesperson for Kohl’s.
- Hey NBC, if I don’t get my fill of Danell Leyva tonight I will continue to NOT watch Smash and continue to tell everyone who listens how terrible the show is.
- If I was training in Archery I would most def put a picture of Ellis from Smash on the bullseye, and then I’d never fucking miss.
- Ryan Lochte will be arrested for assault at some point in his life, right?
- If I had spent less time applying dark tanning oil by the pool and more time diving off a board, I could have had a body like Tom Daley.
- I just watched a video of Tom Daley and the rest of the British diving team doing a cover of Sexy and I Know It which is pretty much the best argument for the existence of YouTube ever
and makes LMFAO slightly more tolerable.
- Marta Karolyi actually feeds on the souls of those poor little gymnasts for breakfast.
- Speaking of, hey Kerri Strug. Where you at, girl?
- Do you think Christina Aguilera is watching the Olympics and seeing her The Voice promo every five minutes and thinking “maybe I should put down this taquito?”
- Jonathan Horton is so short, I could actually use him as a step stool to get to my cabinet where I keep my cake baking supplies.