Thoughts From the Gym, Vol 1

I went to the gym today. The great thing about being an actor is that you can convince yourself of anything. Today I convinced myself that I was an athlete training for the Olympics and I wound up working out for an hour and a half. So you see, that degree in Fine Arts wasn’t all for naught. Here are some things that crossed my mind while I was there.

  1. Fun: LL Cool J cameo on my iPod!
  2. Not Fun: I think that guy in the locker room just masturbated AT me.
  3. The personal trainers here seem like assholes; that would be a great job for me.
  4. If I was a fat girl Missy Elliot would be my idol.
  5. What happened to Missy Elliot?
  6. I hate that disease that sidelined Missy Elliot.
  7. I’d like to hook up with you.
  8. I can’t hook up with you because my friends already think I’m a Latin American tour guide, and I can’t give them the satisf…
  9. Te. Dijo. Te. Amo.

  10. I wonder if I burned off the M&M’s from last night.
  11. That was a good choice to choose a diet coke over a root beer.
  12. I wonder how many calories that pizza was?
  13. Shit, I ate two.
  14. And half a bottle of wine.
  15. Beat It is a great song.
  16. I can’t believe he named his son Blanket.
  17. That personal trainer keeps giving me dirty looks; he must be jealous of me.
  18. If I dropped this kettlebell on my face I’d look like Bane from Dark Knight Rises.
  19. Would someone make me a mask if that happened?
  20. If I told my friends that my iPod armband popped off because my bicep was so big they wouldn’t believe me.
  21. My friends are assholes.
  22. Yogurt.
  23. You should have consulted your girlfriend before you wore those shorts in public, or ya know, anyone with eyes.
  24. I hold some resentment towards my mom for never getting me a Kids, Inc. audition. I could have become friends with “The Kid.” And I wouldn’t have had to wait until I was 18 to make my first African-American friend.
  25. That wasn’t nice, you love your mom, John.
  26. I better die first because I don’t think I could bury my mom.
  27. I’m really selfish.
  28. I feel like I should explain to the guy waiting for the treadmill that I’m not getting off anytime soon (even though I’m over the time limit when people are waiting blah blah blah) because I had two pizzas, M&M’s and a bottle of wine last night. Tough shit, skinny.
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