Thoughts From Shavasana: Maybe I’ll vote Trump Edition

When I see a Trump voter on television, I usually think one of several things:

  1. nice Crocs
  2.  you look like high fructose corn syrup in human form
  3. thank god I was raised by people with functioning brains

In short, I cannot relate. Perhaps it’s because I:

  1. do hot yoga
  2. eat (mostly) vegan
  3. drive an electric car

Yes, I am incredibly annoying (though surprisingly popular).

However, for the first time, I have felt THE RAGE that a Trump voter feels.

(No, a:

  1. Mexican didn’t jump my fence
  2. black person didn’t commit an act of reverse racsim
  3. transgender person didn’t try to use the same bathroom as me

)

A GROUP OF MIDDLE AGED SINGLES STARTED TALKING DURING MY SHAVASANA

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what follows is Thoughts From Shavasana

  1. great
  2. here we go
  3. nama fuckingste
  4. you come here all the time?
  5. really?
  6. HOW DID YOU MISS THE SIGN THAT SAYS THIS IS A QUIET SPACE
  7. THERE ARE SEVERAL
  8. did i stumble into a BLIND yoga class?
  9. I need to say something
  10. oh god, they’re like wolves, there’s a pack
  11. desperate middle aged unemployed Los Angeles singles
  12. foaming at the mouth
  13. hungry for the touch of sun kissed leathery skin
  14. nice compression pants you bottom barrel Mark Ruffalo wannabe
  15. She’s not even wet
  16. it’s a hundred degrees in this room
  17. must be the botox
  18. oh, youre from the Palisades? tell me more
  19. no i didn’t mean that
  20. oh, but Fake Lips Mcgee did
  21. i’ve turned to the dark side
  22. star wars
  23. light saber
  24. i strike you
  25. you disappear
  26. except for Obi Wan’s brown frock on the floor, its your lululemons
  27. Fuck I’m angry
  28. oh my god this  is it
  29. this is what it feels like
  30. i’m a trump voter
  31. leave the room John
  32. your rage will eat you
  33. but more likely you’ll eat your rage
  34. do not make eye contact
  35. resist the urge to “accidentally” hit him with your yoga mat
  36. WHY ARE THESE OLD PEOPLE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ME
  37. i shoulda gone to the gym

 

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Puerto Rican Patrick Bateman and the Art of Gym Dodging

When I go to the gym I have to do a lot of “dodging.”

I have to dodge Pasty Gym Stalker lest he slip a roofie in my BPA-free water bottle and I find myself in his basement, tied up with one of his red, white or blue bandannas while he spanks my bare ass with his Skecher’s Shape-Ups.

I have to dodge Yoga Chick because I’m afraid if I repeatedly turn down her services as a masseuse, trainer or physical therapist it won’t be long before she offers me a handy j for $5 behind the trashcan next to the pool.

I have to dodge Invisalign With a Side of Low Impact Cardio because we have the same body type and yet he never raises his heart rate above 116 BPM and that makes me want to strangle him/ask him for skin tips. (His skin is great).

I have to dodge Nobody Wants to See Your Ball Sack because I don’t want to get hit by those low hangers either.

I have to dodge No Underwear Asian Guy because I let him talk to me once and then he showed up at my work and I was wearing long sleeves and I couldn’t rely on my biceps as a visual reminder of my general dominance and that wasn’t so bad until his friends showed up and they were all male models and I then I had to spend the next five minutes trying to decide whether I’d die quicker by impaling myself on a fork or a knife. (SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t have time to kill myself because my favorite work gays, I Hate Everyone and Everything and Bitch You Must Be Confused flew into a tizzy and started dry humping everything in sight while salivating over The Real Male Models of the San Fernando Valley.)

I have to dodge my Gym Nemesis because one time we accidentally locked eyes and I saw him try to non-verbally communicate the entire plot of Twilight to me  which in turn made me think about wolves- and then I went home and watched Dances With Wolves- and then I made it a point to bring up how much I love Kevin Costner to some actor friends during Happy Hour and they threw copious amounts of shade at me.

I have to dodge Slightly Brained Damaged Possibly a Male Escort because he drives a nicer car than I do and when I realized that it made me imagine having a conversation with my mother wherein I break the news that she raised a hooker.

The plus side of all this dodging is that I get to keep my cardio to a minimum, but it makes me anxious. I’m sure it’s great for my metabolism, but what about my blood pressure? I thought I had my dodging down to a science until I was approached by a new member of The LA Fitness Circle of Trolls: Puerto Rican Patrick Bateman.

bateman3

I never even saw him coming. He looks like the kind of guy Madonna used to cast to dance in her videos-ya know, back in the day when the twinkiest of the latino lot didn’t have any expectation of going on to become her boyfriend. Perfect hair, perfect body and perfect teeth. In other words, he was fucking crazy.

bateman1

When he approached me he flashed a disarming smile.

“Hi.”

Oh my god no one should be that hairless.

“What are they called?” he asked while he adjusted his junk, pointing at my lower half.

It’s a one-legged dumbbell deadlift and I find it hard to believe you don’t know that considering your quads are the size of my car.

“It’s a modified deadlift to isolate one leg at a time.”

Stop touching yourself.

“No, your sneakers.”

I’m sorry I was distracted by the testicular exam you were administering.

“Oh. They’re Nikes.”

“Yeah but what’s their name?”

I don’t name my shoes.

“I couldn’t tell you.”

“Can you lift your foot up?”

What the fuck?

“Okay.”

“Zoom. It says it on the sole.”

GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE MY GYM CRUSH THINKS I STEPPED IN DOG SHIT.

“Where did you get them?”

bateman 2

Holy Fuck I’m in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

“Online.”

“Where?”

What do you want-my goddamn IP address?

“Foot Locker, I think.”

“Cool, I’ll have to get a pair.”

Great, now I’m going to have to burn them.

He flashed a smile that said I’d probably slit your throat in the bathroom stall of an Ibiza nightclub and went back to the Smith machine.

bateman4

I’m telling you guys this because if I wind up hacked to pieces by a chainsaw- I don’t want Bret Easton Ellis writing the novel that the movie is based on. Sell this blog entry to a studio and give the money to my mom so she can lead the life she would have if I had gone on to become a successful male escort.

PS. Make sure they cast Jake Gyllenhaal, but please make him shave first.

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Thoughts From the Gym: Nobody Wants to See Your Ball Sack Edition

photo

  1. “Hey John has anyone talked to you about renewing your membership?”
  2. Pretend you can’t hear her
  3. fuck, I’m not wearing headphones.
  4. “I’ll do it online, muchas gracias”
  5. I have to stop speaking to people in spanglish
  6. Oh look, it’s Invisalign with a Side of Low Impact Cardio
  7. I know he told Fuck Yeah These Shorts are From the 90’s he booked a recurring gig on a TV show-why is he always here?
  8. He has great skin
  9. I bet he looks fat on TV
  10. “What?”
  11. this. fucking. hat.
  12. “Yeah, I went to Rutgers.”
  13. jesus christ
  14. “I don’t know, I didn’t play basketball”
  15. Please for the love of god leave me alone I’m trying to burn off two French Bread Pizzas
  16. *Enter: Yoga Chick
  17. Uggh
  18. where is the volume on this iPod?
  19. *Enter: Nobody Wants To See Your Ball Sack
  20. “Don’t apologize, how could you have known I had set up a Crossfit circuit right here?”
  21. she did not just say that
  22. oh my god
  23. die Yoga Chick
  24. “I do it all. I’m a trainer, a masseuse and a PT.”
  25. “What?”
  26. here we go
  27. “A PT. A physical therapist.”
  28. “Wow.”
  29. don’t fucking ‘wow’ her dude
  30. I’ve seen her try to parallel park her Fiat outside of Trader Joes and if that’s any indication she sucks at all three of those jobs
  31. Plus I feel like she eats her own hair
  32. Plus YOUR SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT
  33. AND Nobody Wants to See Your Ball Sack
  34. Jon Hamm.
  35. Why didn’t anyone text me during Mad Men last night and say something about my hair?
  36. I wanna write a musical based on the Taylor Swift album RED
  37. photo
  38. But first-
  39. I need to clean the Chex Mix out of my overnight bag
  40. Hot Tub Friday Night!
  41. *checks abs in mirror*
  42. *avoids making eye contact with No Underwear Asian Guy*
  43. *accidentally makes eye contact with Weird Slightly Brian Damaged Probably a Male Escort Guy*
  44. donttalktomedonttalktomedonttalktome
  45. oh, I Drive a Big Truck, But I Swear I Have a Big Dick will be there Friday
  46. he’s put on a few, so i’ll look thinner than I am
  47. I’m so mean
  48. wait- I said that to his face the other night
  49. I can’t believe I have any friends
  50. I should probably do another set of swiss ball pikes in case he bails

photo 

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Thoughts From the Gym, Anakin Skywalker Edition

  1. I can’t believe I ate McDonald’s last night
  2. i mean i believe it but god
  3. im gross
  4. what am i going to listen to?
  5. Britney
  6. duh
  7. oh hey Pasty Gym Stalker
  8. i feel bloated, can you stalk someone else today?
  9. why are you always on the stairmaster?
  10. i mean…
  11. who uses the stairmaster?
  12. is that Wilford Brimley?
  13. i think he’s dead
  14. Siri: is Wilford Brimley still alive?
  15. yes
  16. that’s not Wilford Brimley
  17. ugh i wanted to use the decline bench Inept Workout Buddies
  18. [pouts for a good three minutes]
  19. I guess I’ll do something else
  20. ↔back up, I’m working out here Tall Ginger Girl↔
  21. i’m a slaaaaaaave for you/
  22. i cannot hold it/
  23. i cannot control it
  24. I can never get that hand choreography right
  25. it looks like im doing the hand jive
  26. [pulls long red hair off shirt]
  27. what the fuck
  28. ???
  29. jesus
  30. [throws shade at Tall Ginger Girl]
  31. cooze
  32. IS THAT ANAKIN SKYWALKER?
  33. OH MY GOD THAT’S ANAKIN SKYWALKER
  34. the force is not with him
  35. his mirror must be in a galaxy far far away
  36. that mustache is not the one
  37. I bet his trainer thinks he’s Yoda
  38. He’s a ginger too
  39. WTF is going on in here?
  40. did they sell a Groupon on Ginger.com?
  41. I have to text I Drive a Big Truck, But I Swear I Have a Big Dick
  42. he loves Star Wars
  43. do they make a light saber emoticon?
  44. my mom called
  45. the phone isn’t on vibrate
  46. shit
  47. what’s my ringtone?
  48. REO Speedwagon
  49. whew
  50. Oh HEY Gym Crush!
  51. where are you going?
  52. really
  53. that’s it?
  54. a CURSORY glance in my direction?
  55. it’s because I had that milkshake
  56. and that double cheeseburger
  57. and the six piece Mcnugget
  58. and the cookies
  59. fuck
  60. they’ll probably serve McDonald’s at my funeral
  61. screw you Gym Crush, I wasn’t going to say it but your hair cut looks awful
  62. i mean i can’t say it because we’ve never spoken
  63. whatever
  64. im on some other shit
  65. im not sweating you and your dumb haircut
  66. im working out next to ANAKIN so take that
  67. Oh please Tall Ginger Girl
  68. you do not know Anakin
  69. why are you talking to him
  70. ???????????????????????
  71. cooze
  72. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE I WAS BORN TO MAKE YOU HAPPY
  73. i need a happy Britney song
  74. boys
  75. re-mix
  76. on one
  77. [bounces shoulders]
  78. im gonna get wasted at Formerly Slutty in a Funny Way’s birthday party tonight
  79. who’s driving?
  80. i could take the train
  81. [laughs]
  82. gross
  83. why does everything look fuzzy?
  84. shit I just worked out for an hour and forty-five minutes
  85. I probably only burned off half that vanilla shake
  86. womanizer/womanizer/oh you’re a/womanizer
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Thoughts From the Gym, Am I Racist (?) Edition

  1. Every black person at this gym knows each other.
  2. Does that make me racist?
  3. I’m not racist
  4. I have to ask black kevin
  5. that’s racist
  6. maybe if i start calling the other kevin i know, white kevin, its okay
  7. [?]
  8. I need more black friends
  9. maybe I should just talk to them
  10. they seem nice
  11. oh good they’re talking about the inauguration
  12. Beyoncé
  13. i got this
  14. “But did you guys hear that Kelly Clarkson sang it live?”
  15. [blank stare]
  16. [dirty look]
  17. [shade thrown]
  18. omg omg omg omg that sounded so racist
  19. do something john
  20. [looks at floor]
  21. i am so uncomfortable
  22. angle yourself so they can see you’re listening to Janet on your iPod [!]
  23. ugh I can’t with this song when she references her heavy flow period
  24. I’m putting on Ke$ha
  25. Oh hey No Underwear Asian Guy
  26. Ok, you’re not a stereotype, we get it, now put on some underwear
  27. that thing is really distracting
  28. maybe No Underwear Asian Guy has some black in him
  29. Is that racist?
  30. hey Weird Slightly Brian Damaged Probably a Male Escort Guy: GET A NEW SHIRT
  31. i mean what is the conversation he has with himself when he puts on that shirt?
  32. i have to take a picture of that shirt
  33. [pulls out phone]
  34. [opens photos]
  35. [sees a self-portrait he took of his hair in a chinese restaurant bathroom]
  36. [forgets what he was doing]
  37. I FEEL YOUR HEART BEAT/ TO THE BEAT OF THE DRUM
  38. [stomps feet]
  39. [claps hands]
  40. i really just did that in public
  41. whatever,  i look good
  42. oh god john that’s probably what Weird Slightly Brain Damaged Probably a Male Escort Guy thinks when he puts on his tattered shirt
  43. I have to go to Marshalls after this to buy new dish towels
  44. fuck im turning into my mom
  45. my mom would never be able to spit out a rap from Dre’s Chronic 2001 album on top of a banquet at a chinese restaurant/ bar in wine country, so, okay, i’m not her
  46. whew
  47. if your t-shirt says “I got bucked at Saddle Ranch Chop House” then fine, good for you, but just know you’ll never get fucked in my house
  48. oh hey 3rd in Position to Gym Crush
  49. i would with you but you seem like you’d be lazy in bed
  50. okay i probably still would
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Thoughts From the Gym, Hunger Games Edition

  1. Is that Peeta Mellark?
  2. That’s Peeta Mellark.
  3. He’s the size of my leg.
  4. I could totally beat him at The Hunger Games.
  5. Wait, how long could I go without eating?
  6. Maybe he would beat me.
  7. My strategy would have to be:kill him and then eat him.
  8. Ugh.
  9. He seems like he’d be gamey.
  10. Why is everyone here wearing a headband except me?
  11. I’m glad I’m not wearing a headband.
  12. If aliens landed today they’d kill everyone with a headband and save me.
  13. A thought about your tapered leg sweatpants: NO.
  14. And that goes for you too, guy in the sweatpants with a zipper leg.
  15. My skin looks awesome.
  16. Probably because I’ve been going more vegan.
  17. Oh shit those vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
  18. 7 cookies at 140 calories each is…
  19. ugh
  20. where’s my phone?
  21. Why hasn’t anyone texted me?
  22. 980
  23. fuck
  24. OUCH
  25. That machine came outta nowhere
  26. Oh no I have to tell Your Facebook Status Sounds Like a Suicide Note that her bearded gym crush has terrible B.O.
  27. What if she stops coming to the gym?
  28. I can’t tell her.
  29. She probably wouldn’t even care.
  30. I still don’t have the butt I want
  31. fucking genetics
  32. My abs look better
  33. they’d look great if I stopped drinking
  34. [laughs]
  35. [laughs some more]
  36. god I’d be intolerable
  37. people would hate me
  38. “yes, actually I am using that.”
  39. “I’m in between sets.”
  40. “sure, if you wipe it down.”
  41. what an asshole
  42. now I just feel like leaving
  43. I can’t leave he’ll think I lied to him about being in between sets
  44. god my hair looks good
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The January Gym Newbies

photoJanuary is that four week period of the year where every fat kid and their mother decide to hit the gym. Case in point: Last week there was a line for the valet at my gym seven cars deep, and I can tell you that people only use it as a last resort. The attendants are gross. They all smell like B.O., Drakkar Noir and Marlboro Lights. When you get back in your car after your workout it’s as if you’ve been transported to the hottest underground club in Estonia.

Recently, as we warmed up side by side on the treadmill, The Enabler expressed her outrage at how crowded the gym had become. And this is coming from a girl who has to  shoot down her hot drunk boyfriend when he’s looking for sex because he reeks of nachos. The gym is her only respite from a cruel, cruel world. Everyone, it seems, has been taking note. Yoga Chick, while unable to express any real emotion,  has been relishing the influx of possible new fake gym friends. Her technique at acquiring them is, as usual, suspect. The other day I watched as she paused her treadmill so she could perform a sun salutation on it. I fear her approach may have backfired because I saw at least three overweight women throw some serious shade in her direction.

I’m not bending over to show the second row of cardio equipment at L.A. Fitness my (awesome) ass, but I am also very excited. If I can manage to find a parking spot in the garage without getting out of my car and threatening a teenager in their parent’s Benz, then it’s all good. January Gym Newbies provide that excellent service of making the gym regulars look thinner. And you never have to worry about them surpassing you in terms of hotness because they’ll be gone by February when they realize they still don’t have a chance of getting laid on Valentine’s Day. While they’re here though, I have some advice they could use. Please feel free to share.

  1. Weird Blond Guy: Please stop wearing your wife’s yoga pants. You have the unique distinction of not only wearing floods, but also of presenting your package in such a way that I’ve actually had to reassure my own two guys and their captain that I would never put them on display like that. 
  2. Jersey Shore Background Player: I understand that the Shore has been cancelled and so you’ve made your way west for pilot season. But could you please put a towel down on the bench? When you sweat, your six pounds of hair gel leaves behind a  film. And now I have to seek out the pharmacist at CVS for a consult on how to best deal with this rash.
  3. Lady Whose Doctor Has Told Her She Must Lower Her Blood Pressure: The doctor’s nurse did you a disservice but not telling you that you must also remove the cat hair from your clothes before you leave the sad cave you live in.
  4. Fat Dad with the Fat Ten Year Old Son: Hey buddy, your genetics are probably the reason your son is that size in the first place so why don’t you do him a favor and go work out in a different part of the gym? Left on his own he probably has a chance to score with Yoga Chick, and you’re f’ing with his game.
  5. Everyone Else: Stay away from my Gym Crush or you could find yourself on the receiving end of a dropped dumbbell.

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